Entitlement

by

Ok…so this one really got away from me 🙂 I would say that I need to put in the ‘Just in case you get hit by a bus and don’t have time to read the whole thing’ cliffs-notes version to most my posts, but this one truly requires more of a ‘cut to the chase with all your rambling bullshit or I might actually die of old age before I finish it’ version. So here goes:

1. My daughter feels entitled to gifts/money/stuff because people have wronged her and she thinks she should get something to make up for it.

2. I looked at, although I don’t agree with the ‘owes’ me concept, I was attached to having someone grow to acknowledge and/or apologize for what ever it was that they did…(which is equally unreasonable, I might add.)

3. I thought about how many people spend forever waiting for someone to have that ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ realization, or even drowning in the fact that they have been hurt to the point that they never move through it or heal from it…they just identify with being that person who was hurt or wounded in some way.

4. I entertained the realization that the only way through something challenging is to acknowledge it, face the fear, allow the feelings to come up (but also pass by and not become your identity), take responsibility for your part, forgive yourself, and gently accept your whole self.

5. By releasing the expectations you held for others, and staying focused on what you can do, where you can go from here, and what your choices are…You stop giving away your power, become whole, heal, and move forward into infinite opportunity.

Well, that is kind of what follows…ish…with a lot more circular…wordy…roundabout writing 🙂

What if you realized how you feel and the direction of your life was actually only dependent on what you focused on and what choices you make? Would you be afraid or Inspired? Then what...

What if you realized how you feel and the direction of your life, was actually only dependent on what you focused on and what choices you make?
Would you be afraid or Inspired?
Then what…?

 

“He owes me.”         As I pushed the okra and red peppers to one side of my bowl to better access an unadulterated spoonful of cajun sausage and rice, I was struck by her comment. She was referencing the fact that my ex-boyfriend had bought her a pair of yoga pants when they hung out last weekend. (Short recap–He and I dated on-and-off over probably 10ish years?? Never officially living together and him never taking a ‘parental’ role in her life. We haven’t been in touch, but my daughter and him talk intermittently).

“That was nice.” I was more referring to the fact that he had shown up for the lunch in the first place (he has about an 80% no-show rate for following through) than the pants, but she responded instantly,

“He owes me.”

I watched her for a moment as she composed a long list of his wrong doings, his rude and neglectful habits, and his broken promises, as they related to her over the previous years. It hurt me to see how easily they came to her. They weren’t buried behind the layers of excuses or rationalization that I place over most wrong doings that I encounter, they were there…on the surface…worn like a thousand tiny scars on her perfect 20 year-old skin. She had quick, unemotional access to-what she experienced-as his failings as a decent human being, and she read them like a ‘To Do’ list on opposite day (opposite day was something she and I celebrated when she was a kid).  She then followed with how much he ‘owes’ her and how he should be buying her whatever she wants whenever she wants it, but at the very least he owes her some yoga pants.

“He ‘owes’ you an apology.” I don’t know if she was done talking, but it all became very quiet after I spoke. In a few moments she responded and the dinner, and the conversation were over.

“Obviously yoga pants are the best I’m going to get.” She conveniently remembered some other ‘plans’ (i.e. I’m done here) and was gone within a few minutes…but it got me thinking about our expectations of people and our expectations of our life.

What do we owe each other? What does life owe us? I always told my daughter that anything was possible, that people were good, and the world is a beautiful place where magic and opportunity are always abundant (whether she believed me as a broke, struggling, single mother, I’m not sure). I, on the other hand, grew up with a very different mantra about what to expect from life. Mine was more of a, “Nobody owes you anything. Life is hard and if you want something you have to take it.”

I wonder if the whole concept is just flawed? Maybe this is just another one of our misplaced expectations and feeling entitled to some kind of recourse or compensation is just our way of not truly taking responsibility for our own feelings and choices. I guess that sounds harsh, or victim blaming, or whatever…but it isn’t really. I think it is actually empowering to not be waiting on someone or something to make it right again.

The world is a reflection of what you believe. If you look for it, you will find it... be it dark or light. Choose to see beauty and it is all around you.

The world is a reflection of what you believe. If you look for it, you will find it… be it dark or light. Choose to see beauty and it is all around you.

Has anyone ever, in the existence of all humanity, had what we would imaging is a ‘perfect life’? No pain, no disappointment, no death, no grief, no loss, no anger, no frustration, no hate or violence or rage or suffering or shame or isolation or apathy? We act like we are supposed to have these peaceful lives where everything always works out…why do we think that? When has that ever happened?!?!? And why do we act like that is even close to what we would actually want (…bored much???) I’m not say’n be a drama queen, but isn’t ‘perfect’ a little overrated?
It doesn’t leave room for what I think is the very best possible amazing tool in life…perspective (now, don’t get me started on this one, because I will soap-box the hell out of it! :). Point being, shitty awful unspeakable horrors happen everyday…we label them as bad (and that is a whole other rambling post…I’ll spare you and touch on that one another time), and let that color how we experience the situation, and what we feel and do from then on. Face it, we are wounded…we are all wounded on varying levels.  Some are aware of it, others not so much, but the problem is…that we see that as a problem. Every freaken time we curl up in a ball shaking, and hide from life…every time we deny it completely, or (sometimes even worse) revel and constantly embracing the fear/pain/ anger like it is somehow our identity, we re-establish ourselves as a victim, as weak and incapable.
What if fear is just another feeling, just another wave to let crash over us and bathe us in new possibilities?

What if fear is just another feeling, just another wave to let crash over us and bathe us in new possibilities?

He “owes” her? or me? or anyone? No. I think it is time to admit we owe ourselves. We owe ourselves forgiveness.
We owe it to ourselves to feel the experiences that burn, and scar, and brand our soul…feel them and own them…Accept them, acknowledge them, give them a space and a home…and in doing so, dismantle their intense power over us. Allow them to just be feelings…feelings that come, but also go.
Forgive ourselves, so we stop waiting for the one who hurt us to deserve our forgiveness.
We owe it to ourselves to not hide, or pack, or deny away our ugly feelings or our ugliest selves…We owe it to ourselves to acknowledge that they are us, we are whole…no one made us this way, no one controls our feelings, no one can give them to us, and no one else is going to make them better or take them away. We owe it to ourself to see the part we played in the dance of miserable and/or amazing circumstance that we are reeling from. We owe it to ourselves to own our lives. We choose how we see the world right now. The choice of how we feel, what we think, where we go from here…is ours.
What if the only person that owed us anything in life is…us. We owe ourselves an apology for all the mean self-deprecating things we say and believe about ourselves, for the times we knew better and still did it, for the times we accepted, believed, orchestrated, condoned, participated in, or were simply a victim of, all the things that ever hurt us. But most of all we owe ourselves an apology for not forgiving ourselves…every single mistake, perceived mistake, or harsh, hateful, judgmental, or self-loathing thought that has ever existed in our mind.
Just for today. Just this once. Entertain the option that there might be another way. Thinking ‘they’ will ever pay,  or there will ever be an apology, or that they will ever change, or that they will ever deserve forgiveness, or that they owe us anything…is our excuse to stay stuck…to stay angry…to stay broken…
Choose to look through the possibility that there is every potential in the world. That there is something other than what we fear or what has been looming and controlling our thoughts and actions. What would you do if who you are now, in your entirety, with all your experiences, was actually ok? Amazing even?
What if you stopped wondering who would you be had you not been traumatized, shamed, abandoned, molested, raped, beaten, neglected, bullied, embarrassed, dumped, manipulated, deceived, laughed at, tortured, hurt, humiliated, a huge failure, or devastatingly wounded in any of a thousand other ways?
What if you stop wondering what your day would be like if you could be ‘normal’? Seriously?!?
Why would you ever want to be normal?!?! Normal is so incredibly overrated, not to mention nonexistent. What if you stopped expecting the world, or anyone else to make it right…What if it IS right? What if you are exactly where you are meant to be. What if it is all up to you from here?
What if YOU choose exactly who you want to be?
What if you truly, authentically, wholeheartedly believed in yourself

What if you truly, honestly, authentically, whole-heartedly believed in yourself? Then what would you be willing to try?

Be empowered. Be invested. Be scarred. Be experienced. Be understanding. Be empathetic. Be gentle. Be strong. Be fragile. Be silly. Be scared. Be Inspired.
Be whole. Be accountable. Be forgiven. Be beautiful. Be healed.
Be you.

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